On Unrequited Love …

“You’re my downfall, you’re my muse,
my worst distraction, my rhythm and blues.”

~ John Legend

I’ve gotten myself into a predicament and I’m full of angst and regret over it. To some it may not seem like a big deal. You might even tell me to get over myself already, but for me it’s an all-encompassing hurdle I’m attempting to clear. We all get ourselves into this situation at one time or another. It’s how you navigate the struggle, correct the error, and get out of harm’s way that is the ultimate challenge.

It wasn’t my intention, but I’ve fallen in love. I mean that butterflies in your stomach, can’t stand to be away from him, the smell of his scent in your nose kind of love. When he talks, I listen, and I act. He is brilliant. No, not just because I’m enthralled by him, rather because I believe he’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. His mind is sexier than his gorgeous looks. I’ve got it bad, and I know it. It doesn’t sound like a major situation, does it? Well, it’s a problem of great proportions.

You see, we were friends, and I broke the friend code. We were true blue, platonic friends who bonded quickly, organically, and with little effort. Everything felt natural between us, and his friendship had become one of the most important in my life. I didn’t want to do anything to ruin that bond, so when he insinuated that I had ulterior motives by confronting me with the notion that my feelings for him were much deeper than I had led on, I dishonestly rebuffed his accusations and got huffy. I was too afraid to share my true heart for him for fear that our friendship would end. Our lasting bond is more important to me than a romantic relationship that could fail miserably. As is normally the case, the lie was the wrong decision.

This is the thing … my silence has bitten me in the ass. He’s met someone he’s interested in and told me that it’s promising between them. I’m beyond bothered by this news and rather tortured. Jealous. Ironically, while I’m happy at the notion of a potential mate for my friend, I’m heartbroken that the potential mate isn’t me. I honestly felt we both had unspoken feelings for one another. My mind tricked me into believing that we were slowly moving from a friendship to a relationship without forcing anything. I couldn’t have been more wrong, and I don’t know how to process the reality of this.

When I failed to handle the initial news well, he confronted me yet again. I admitted to the skeleton of my feelings, but not the flesh. Shy by nature, I was too nervous to fill him in on the details of my fantasies about the two of us. About how I had envisioned us building a life together, which included moving into his dream home and raising his kids together. Even adopting a little boy in a few years since I wasn’t fortunate enough to have my own children. We’re both writers, entrepreneurs, visionaries, hustlers, and I saw our future being happily unconventional and bright together.

I am now suffering from both a heartache that I cannot shake and a self-induced heartbreak that are happening in real time. I don’t know how to accept his truth and continue to be a loyal and unconditional friend. Part of me wants to shake him and make him realize that all he needs is right in front of him, but the friend in me wants to congratulate him and move onto my own bliss. My ego is involved and causing this situation to mess with my head big time. I’m not the one he wants and that is making me question my worth and is beginning to diminish my self-esteem. It has rendered me in a temporary state of insecurity and a lingering state of disbelief.

The question now is how am I going to handle this? How am I going to rebound from the pain while keeping the friendship pure and intact? How am I going to turn my heart off without severing the friendship in the process? Is this even possible for me to do?

Heartbreak, whether self-inflicted or not, is a gnawing ache that does not go away with sheer will or strength of mind. Anybody who tells you that they can snap their fingers and their broken heart is mended is either lying, was not truly in love, or they are dead inside.

Unrequited love, in all honesty, is one of the worst blows to your self-confidence. It makes you question your worth, your value, your beauty, your mind, and everything else about yourself. It makes you second guess your personality, your positive attributes, and your lovability. You momentarily turn on yourself which causes you to believe negative feelings about yourself. It hurts deeply and you can’t run away from the truth of it. You have no choice but to face it head on in order to get through it.

Whether we are rejected or not, we are all worthy of true and lasting love. We should expect to be liked for exactly who we are and allow a relationship to grow organically, and if it morphs into love, that’s the cherry. That’s honestly the path I thought we were on … the cherry. Damn was I wrong!

Unfortunately, we oftentimes declare our love to the wrong person for the wrong reasons thus putting ourselves through unnecessary pain. Identifying our personal risk factors and weaknesses ahead of time gives us a blueprint of what it is that we really want in a mate, but most importantly, what we expect and deserve for ourselves. Just because someone shows interest in us doesn’t mean we have to reciprocate that interest, especially if the red flags are plentiful, and we simply ignore them because of loneliness or worse; desperation. No, we’re better than all that. It’s up to us to lay down who we want to be in our life and then seek to find the qualities we are looking for.

We all have personal, intimate, and difficult work to do in order to get in touch with our true needs and desires. We have to define clear boundaries while being honest with ourselves. We must get a handle on who we truly are, not our representative that shows up early on in a relationship. We must make the best decisions for seeking out a mate based on our rot gut truth. Coming clean with ourselves is one of the hardest things we’ll ever have to do, but it is necessary to stop wasting our time with partners who are not who or what we need to elevate our lives.

While my friend and I are well suited for each other, I must accept his feelings and his decision. He has reasons I may never be privy to, but like me, he has to make the best choice for his life regardless of how much I love him. What I do know is that I’m not second best or a second choice. I won’t allow that for my life. I choose to walk through my pain and come out on the other side wiser, more self-assured, and clear minded.

I may have made the mistake of falling in love with a friend, but it’s not the love that’s important to me. It’s the friendship and as long as that stays intact, I will be delighted and secure in the fact that I will manifest the love of my life into my world when it’s time. Everything happens how and when it’s supposed to happen. That’s something I’ve had to learn to understand and accept. 

Love feels good but is often difficult to find. It takes strength, patience, self-love, and an open heart to attract the love you’re wishing for. I’m looking forward to the day that the one who is meant for me walks into my life and adds to the complete life I’ve already built for myself. Yes, I’ll love my friend forever and I might even think about the what-if’s. What I know for sure is that we were meant to meet each other when we did, we were meant to be in each other’s lives and as time moves along, my heart will heal, and we will both end up exactly where we belong.

Since my confession, there is great tension and silence between us. I fear that what we had built has been broken forever and I am sick about it. I miss him: his laughter, his conversation, his silliness, his mind, his smile, his advice, his attention. Most of all, I miss the raw and real friendship that we shared. My life has been much emptier without his daily presence.

I cannot cry over him forever. I must gather my emotions, regain my strength, and move on from what was to what is. What is sucks, but it’s my new reality and I must embrace it and accept it for what it is … a great loss that will take me some time to get over.

I realize that friends come and go. I wasn’t prepared for this one to ever be severed and I deal with the ramifications of my lie and his feelings of betrayal every moment of every day. I can only blame myself for this lack of judgement and I’ve learned a difficult and valuable lesson from this trial. Don’t mix true friendship with love because you lose on both fronts. I believe that the season he spent in my life was actually supposed to be a lifetime, but I messed that up and I have no choice but to learn the lesson and move forward.

The love I feel for him still exists within my being. He is a great guy and I have to take this loss and grow from this truth. Did I say how much this has crushed me? Well there, I said it. Life has a way of moving forward no matter what and I’ll heal, I’ll move on, and I’ll be a better person for it. I won’t let unrequited love break me. I love myself too much for that.