On The Truth Of Me …

“Your self-worth is determined by you.
You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are.”

~ Beyonce Knowles

I have come to terms with a truth about myself that I am not proud of, nor am I comfortable saying it out loud, never mind sharing it with strangers. Regardless of my trepidation, I recognize that I must out myself in order to become free of the ties that I have bound myself with for most of my adult life.

I am a victim of my own mind. Of my own negative belief system. Insecurity dwells so deeply inside of me that it has become much of who I am at a core level, and I fight against that emotion every day. I am truly an extremely jealous woman, although I front like those bones don’t exist. I lack a strong sense of self-worth. I do not believe in myself. No matter what I accomplish, I still do not believe I have done enough. I don’t even stand up for myself in the moments that my mind is racing for me to speak up. I simply go mute and discover the right words to say hours or days after the fact and that gets me nowhere. It just further reaffirms that I’m barely existing, not living.

I am also obsessive in many ways. Obsessive thoughts on a variety of issues take over my mind daily. It would be understandable if it were OCD, but it so clearly is not. It is my own mind telling me I am not good enough, so I must check up on the people who say they care about me. I have major malfunctions that have caused me to remain single and unsociable. I am incapable of having anyone believe in me because I do not believe in myself. Who can love you if you are absent of love for yourself? I believe that I am alone and lonely for these, and many other reasons and it weighs heavily on my mind and heart.

I am coming to terms with the source of this malaise that I am battling with. The truth is so difficult to accept and share. I am doing the hard work of identifying and owning up to my shortcomings and this is the beginning of freeing my mind and soul of what has been holding me back and keeping me in the background for as long as I can remember. I have to do this for me, and I believe that many women and men fight against this same phenomenon, but just don’t have the words, courage, or vulnerability to express it.

None of us want to seem vulnerable to those close to us. We put up a strong front, hiding what is really behind our eyes and within our minds. We tend to hold onto the hope that these self-defeating thoughts will fade in time, and we will never have to deal with them head on. That is so far from the truth. Facing up to the truth of who we are frees your spirit and lifts the anxiety that holds you back from living your best life.

Personally, I am a woman who always chooses, but is rarely chosen by the men I choose. Aggressive by nature, I always go after who and what I want and after spending time and giving of myself and my energy to a man that I am interested in, the feelings infrequently seem to sync up. Quite frankly, I am put in the friend zone more often than not and I am perplexed by this. In full disclosure, I have a plethora of male friends; some that I’ve dated and some that are purely platonic. In each situation, I always end up being the homegirl, the confidant, the friend who doesn’t meet their criteria for building a romantic relationship. For the life of me, I do not understand what is wrong with me that I am constantly rejected even by those who clearly have a strong liking for me. What is wrong with me is the question that repeats over and over again in my head. What’s wrong with me?

I am a very particular person. Picky to be exact. I haven’t dated much, by choice. I’m slightly rigid at times, and definitely set in my ways, but I am willing to change those things that I may be closed minded to or ignorant about. I am not averse to change on any level. I welcome new ideas and notions that make me a better person. I’m for anything or anyone who helps me to grow into a better version of myself.

As I write, I am feeling anxious and empty. Like I am going to spend the rest of my life alone without a solid and loving partner to grow and build with. This is what I would like to manifest for my life, and I am taking it upon myself to make the changes necessary to transform my current circumstances.

I have been taking the focus off of what may be wrong with me and remembering all that is good about me. Due to various life circumstances, I had forgotten who I was, who I am and what I have accomplished throughout my life. I had forgotten about the men who have loved and adored me. I had forgotten about my free spirit, my charm, and my ability to assimilate into any atmosphere. I had forgotten about what a strong and resourceful person I have always been. The Prom Queen. Most popular. Miss New York State National Cheerleader. The author. The achiever. I had forgotten about me.

I am beginning to remember my love for the sun, for music, for the arts, for writing, for children, for the ocean, for astrology, for picnics, for dance, for walking in the rain, for fast cars, for watching movies in front of my fireplace and being one with myself. I am coming back to life slowly, but certainly, and remembering who I am feels so exhilarating!

We all go through life focused on working, taking care of business, achieving, taking care of others, and we tend to forget about ourselves. That was definitely the case with me, and I’ve made a conscious decision to change my mindset today. No more self-doubt. No more insecurity. No more questioning who I am and what I’m worth. I’ve allowed people to get into my head because of that underlying feeling of insecurity and inferiority. I’m changing my narrative. As Iyanla Vanzant said, “Accept and acknowledge your own brilliance. Stop waiting for others to tell you how great you are! Believe it for yourself and about yourself.” Those are the words I’m living by each day.

I have done a lot of work on myself and today, I am standing firmly on my laurels and recognizing all that I offer to my family, my friends, a mate, and society at large. I am no longer allowing insecurity to eat me alive. I am an exceptional woman and I look at myself in the mirror every day to remind myself of that. I can choose to be who and what I want to be. I can choose to believe in myself and my abilities. I do not have to give into these self-effacing insecurities. I can choose to think differently and act accordingly. Everything we do is a choice, and I am choosing positive over negative. Strength over fear. Happy over sad. I am choosing to stop these crazy thoughts that go through my head, and you can too.

What I want more than anything is what I have been working hard to attain … peace in my life, acceptance of my body, clarity of mind and the feeling of freedom in my soul. None of the above is a cakewalk. It takes strength of mind and a willing spirit. We can all become who we want to be if we reprogram our resolve and our intention to reach the personal goals we would like to achieve and manifest only goodness into our lives. By no means is this an easy task, but it is doable if you have the desire in your heart and ensure your actions take the necessary steps to reach those goals.

Life is a struggle that is not all defeating. You can win! Deciding to change your thought process and put those changes into action is the second step. The first step is to seriously sit with yourself and make a list of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Make your own manifesto of what it is you want to stop, start, and manifest into your life and consult that list daily. Work on an item on that list every day. It may take you three months to get through one entry on the list, but that is perfectly normal. Change takes hard work, a focused effort, and time. You have to be 100% real with yourself and follow through on that goal no matter how difficult it is or how much it hurts.

Becoming a better person begins with your mind and continues with your actions. You have to change your mind and your circumstances to make it happen for yourself. Believe in yourself no matter what, tuck away the fear, and go for it. No matter what the end result is, you’ll become a better person for having confronted your fears and insecurities and you will come out a stronger person on the other side. Self-doubt and fear are your enemies. Do not allow them to enter into your mind. Find an alternative way to deal with your internal issues.

When you come from a positive place, positive things are manifested. Read that again. At the end of the day, nobody can change your bad habits, your negative feelings about yourself, or the state of your life but you. Make you the center of your universe and pay attention to how your life changes. Believe in yourself and know that positive energy breeds positive results. If you’re going to live in a negative space, expect a negative result.

There’s no need to suffer anymore. You have the power within yourself to change your reality. Start today and don’t stop until you achieve the pinnacle of your desires. Believe that you are your best thing and don’t give up on yourself. You have the power, so empower yourself and walk towards your greatness!