On Finding Peace …

                                “If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.”

                                                                                                ~ Marvin Gaye

I’ve been ill at ease for a couple of months now and I’m not certain why. Something isn’t sitting well inside of me and no matter how hard I try; I cannot locate the source of my unrest. I’ve been moody, unsociable, short on patience, distant, sleeping incessantly, and downright grumpy. I haven’t been enjoying my own company and I haven’t wanted the company of others. I don’t know what my major malfunction is, but I definitely don’t like the space my head is in right now.

This is the thing … there’s no reason for this inner discord. No definable reason that I can identify anyway. I keep searching my brain and my heart for the reason(s) and the answer continuously eludes me.

When I consider the state of my life right now, there are many things that are going well. Of course I haven’t reached every goal, resolved every problem, or become independently wealthy, but I feel like I’m on an upswing. I’m working things out in a positive way. I’m making progress daily. I have much to smile about, much to celebrate, yet I’m doing neither. I’m not depressed or even melancholy, but I’m not happy either. I simply don’t feel content and every day I ask myself why? What is missing?

My birthday is next month and that marks another year of life that I have yet to lay my hands on what I define as “the prize.” I’m feeling more frustrated with that fact this year because I’m getting closer to the end of the line than I am to the beginning. I have specific goals that I know I can reach in this lifetime, but I’m not attaining them. Are my goals too lofty? I don’t think so. Am I exploring every option to attain these goals? Probably not. Have I given up on myself and these goals? Never. Then why this disconnect within myself?

I believe that I walk through my life with a tremendous amount of guilt for a myriad of past improprieties and that guilt tends to haunt me when I feel my life is going well. It’s like the more progress I make, the more I remember past indiscretions or faults and wonder when my karmic debt is going to be called in. This might be a defeatists way of thinking, but I’m just trying to be realistic. Karma is real and while I try to keep that debt low, I’ve certainly paid into its system more than I would’ve liked. With this mindset I’m constantly thinking about when the next bomb is going to drop instead of living in, and enjoying, the moment. Could this be part of what has me so out of sorts right about now?

There are many preoccupations I’ve been sidetracked with as of late. My mind has been racing for weeks on end and I’ve come to no real conclusions on anything substantial. Has this ever been your experience? What did you do to gather yourself and formulate some end games? I think I need some back up to get me out of the loop I’ve been experiencing.

For instance, when I set my mind to accomplish a task, I normally don’t stop until I see the win. It doesn’t matter if I’m in my groove or if I’m just meandering along, I usually make sure I get the job done. Here lately, I’ve been totally sedentary; glazed over in self-defeating thought and making little to no forward movement. My writing has waned, my household chores have ceased, my white car is now gray, and I can absolutely use these toenails to climb a tree. Yeah, I seem to be letting everything fall by the wayside and I know I need to get a grip, but I can’t seem to turn that go switch on.

I periodically experience the blahs … stagnancy. And that stagnant tendency seems like a never-ending roadblock that is difficult for me to get around. Something comes over me subconsciously and stops me in my tracks for no clear reason. Is it the daily grind of life overwhelming me to the point of shutting down for self-preservation? Is it that I’ve tried all that is in my power and instead of continuing the fight I just throw in the white flag out of frustration? Is it that I’ve been working so hard for so long at making my life what I want and need it to be and when things continue to not pan out, I simply can’t stomach the trying anymore? For me, it is all of the above and more.

The ultimate test is figuring out how to turn around this sea of negativity I’m wading through into an ocean of positive movement that will uplift my spirit and boost my productivity. I recognize that I cannot allow these negative thoughts, feelings, and happenings to stop me from pressing on and obtaining that which I know I’m worthy and capable of. I seem to become so preoccupied with what’s not going right that I negate all that is working in my favor. That’s a mental block that has the wrong loop circling through my head. When I’m in my right mind I know this, but I still get stuck in that negative loop and it’s doing nothing but causing me to digress. Now that I’m aware of this problem, I’m doing all I can to change the narrative in my head to reverse the negative effects it’s having on my mental and thus my life. This is no small feat, but I’m challenging myself to conquer this potential self-fulfilling prophecy every day. I manage to make progress with each passing day, but I have much more work to do to reprogram this mind of mine that defers to the negative before all else.

I’m still trying to uncover what the source of the unrest is that dwells within my soul. I feel as though I’m getting closer to a resolution to this inner turmoil. I’ve begun to examine the truth of myself on a daily basis and I silence the negative chatter that tends to occupy my mind. I work diligently at retraining my brain to focus on positivity before going to the old familiar negative self-talk. It’s certainly not an easy task, but I’m getting better at it daily and it is helping to quell what’s stirring inside of me.

The mind is a powerful tool. It can make you feel like you’re on top of the world and just as quickly bring you down to your lowest low, all without provocation. It’s all about how you process what’s going on in your world. Anything can be negative if that’s what you choose it to be.  It’s imperative that you don’t allow the negative to take over your thought process. Positivity is key to creating peace in your life. It’s up to us individually to be cognizant of how we process even the most minute happenings in our everyday experiences. We must discover the way that is best for us to make peace out of the various pieces – good and bad – that make up our lives. You can’t look to anyone else to create this peace for you; it has to reside within your being in order to truly exist.

I used to look for love outside of myself thinking that it would bring peace to my weary heart. At that time, I didn’t love myself. With the acceptance of who I am at my core, spiritual growth, maturity, and always being real with myself, I learned how to love myself – quirks and all. That’s when I found an internal peace I’d never experienced before. I then learned how that internal peace led to peace of mind which flourished into a more peaceful life. We can all experience such an evolution … it’s truly a personal choice.

It’s important to remember that the way you live your life and internalize life’s events is a choice. Where there is good there will always be bad. Where there is positive there will be negative. It’s like the dualism of Yin and Yang. How you respond to these challenges separates you from those who excel and those who succumb.

In my current state of mind, I could have succumbed to all of the negative feelings that were enveloping me, but instead I sought to find answers. I sought to get out of the bubble I was suffocating in. I decided instead to surround myself with positive people and study their process and their outlook. I stepped out of my comfort zone, read positive books, positive quotes and got advice from positive people. I began to change my circumstances one step at a time and felt more and more peaceful and secure with each small victory.

I am still unsure why my soul is ill at ease, but each day that I come to terms with the truth of the complicated being that I am, I move towards the answer and peace fills a new gap in my spirit. I do the work to reap the reward. If you are unhappy, seek out what makes you happy. If you don’t know who you truly are, don’t live in denial. Accept every part of who you know yourself to be. If you cannot find peace, try to discover it as you move through your life. We have only one life to live. Don’t get bogged down in the things that you can’t control.  Do what you can and allow time for everything to fall into place because things always work out the way they’re supposed to.

Roy T. Bennett said that “change begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone where you may find the peace you crave and deserve. A peaceful heart is a prerequisite to a peaceful life. Know that peace is your birthright and it’s up to you to garner every bit of it that you can muster.