On Male-Female Friendships …

“You can’t build anything on a flimsy foundation. Friendship is the foundation.”

~ Hill Harper

Can men and women truly just be friends? I’m not talking about friends with benefits. I’m not talking about side pieces. I’m not talking about one friend hiding feelings for the other and faking the friendship. I’m talking about true blue, got your back, in your corner, ride-or-die homies? No sexual tension, no innuendos, no ulterior motives, no awkwardness, and no pressure to be anyone other than yourself? Is this possible in our highly sexualized society?

I’ve always been a believer in, and an advocate for, opposite sex friendships. Many people in my circle adamantly disagree with me, but I stand firm in my stance. I know for certain that we, as individuals, have the willpower and fortitude to nurture sex-free friendships with anyone on the planet. I believe that this ‘phenomenon’ isn’t particularly popular because minds aren’t open enough to its possibility and don’t comprehend what a gift and learning experience these relationships can be.

Now that I think about it, the same goes for same sex relationships where sexual preference comes into play. One of my best friends is bi-sexual. Another close friend of mine is a lesbian. Does their sexual preferences mean that I have to ‘watch my back’ when I’m dealing with them? Does their lifestyle mean that we can’t have a viable, platonic friendship without sexual tension or relationship confusion? I think not. This example only underscores my belief about male-female friendships; they’re not only possible, they also play an important part in having a well-rounded life.

I feel that by nature, we are such insecure and jealous creatures who seem to have such a secret dislike for self that we often blur the line between what we know and what we believe about ourselves and others. Most of us have known or unknown past traumas from childhood, relationships, friendships, work life, and the like, lying dormant or suppressed within us. We carry these deeply rooted issues into our subsequent relationships without always recognizing we’re doing so. For this and various other reasons, we tend to immediately distrust one another when, in fact, trust is lost, not earned.

I bring up the trust issue to shine a light on the fact that many times male-female friendships are criticized and frowned upon by the romantic partners of those involved. It’s been my experience that having close male friends put an unnecessary strain on my relationships because of feelings of distrust, disbelief, and resentment by my partners. Since they hadn’t experienced such relationships that were innocent and pure, they could not comprehend that, without question, these friendships do exist and thrive with a platonic loyalty and love many can’t seem to find in same sex friendships. It’s not the sex of a person that assists in cultivating a lasting friendship. It’s the heart, intent, honesty, and morality of a person that lays the foundation for a true friendship.

For example, I worked for a 95% male dominated Volunteer Fire Company for twenty-eight years on an administrative and managerial level. It was a very difficult environment for a barely twenty-one year old young woman to navigate. There were many days I just wanted to quit because of the sexual harassment I experienced at a time when it was not viewed as abhorrent. Dozens of men came and went during my tenure there. A large majority of those men either blatantly hit on me or harbored sexual feelings for me that they made clear in passive-aggressive ways. Some tried befriending me with the hope of winning me over or used our “friendship” as a cover for their partners while they were out cheating. This left their partners thinking that I was the other woman when that was so far from the truth. Others played me close and friendly looking for a way into my life. It was like there was a bet going on throughout the department to see who could crack the ice princess first. Their intentions were crystal clear and so were mine … I was not interested, nor was I going to allow myself to be treated as the object they made me feel like.

I lost a lot of my naivety and learned life-long lessons during that difficult period in my life. I was popular for all the wrong reasons and then gradually hated for rebuffing these advances. What I did uncover through the muck and mire of my circumstances is that not all men were the same; not all of the men were looking at me as a conquest. There were quite a few men who were decent, respectful, and simply enjoyed my conversation, personality, and charm. They saw me as an individual and not just another piece of tail and they showed that through their actions (and inaction), words, and deeds. They gave me the level of respect I deserved and had earned. These few men never lost my trust, never violated me, and became as close to me as family. They remain true friends until this day.

When I speak of this type of friendship, I’m also speaking of past romances that didn’t work out, but had a solid foundation of friendship, and an amicable break-up. I’ve spent a substantial bit of quality time with, and in other cases, many years of my life with a few men who became my friends while we were dating. I don’t understand how I could like or love someone for any extended period of time and have those feelings just end the moment our relationship did. My heart doesn’t work that way, thus several of those friendships weren’t severed when our relationship ended. Those relationships simply evolved into a bond of tried-and-true friendship that I wouldn’t give up for anyone; not even a new love. While the romantic and sexual aspect of our union may have ended, our love, respect, and connection to one another did not and that’s why we remain in each other’s lives.

I am comfortable in my own skin and can accept my man having female friends, but I believe more people than not aren’t comfortable in theirs and cannot. In these instances, insecurities and self-perceived deficiencies keep them from being able to see past themselves or think outside of their box. Or, like most of the people I know, they don’t trust their own resolve enough to believe that a man and woman can be close enough to be the best of friends, yet strong enough not to fornicate or otherwise cross that fine line between friendship and an intimate relationship.

There are so many variables regarding male-female friendships that I could write about the topic forever, but I’ll refrain. What I would like is for you to examine your close relationships with the opposite sex and be honest with yourself about your feelings for to those individuals. Think about their character, their intention, possible motives, if any, and consider yours as well. Only you know the why’s and what’s of your friendships. If you can’t integrate yourself into his or her life by embracing their partner, acting in their best interest, being a neutral sounding board when needed, as well as being their soft place to fall without harboring feelings of a romantic nature, then maybe you should reassess your definition of friendship and what the emotions you’re experiencing truly mean. Developing “feelings” for your friend changes the dynamics of that relationship and oftentimes ruins the friendship.

I take friendship very seriously. I’m loyal to a fault, transparent, supportive, honest, kind, generous, open minded and I usually attach myself to people with a similar morality – and a wicked sense of humor. Man, woman or child, I’m excited at the prospect of widening my circle to include a broader range of personalities, characters, and varied connections.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” My intention is to always be a friend first and foremost, especially with the men I value tremendously. At the end of the day, friendship is what I value most.