“Some say we are responsible for those we love.
Others know we are responsible for those who love us.”
~ Nikki Giovanni
When is it alright to betray the loyalty of a friend? Is it ever truly okay? These are the questions I’m grappling with at the moment and I have to say, they’ve been keeping me up at night. Why? Because I’ve broken the bond of loyalty between one of the people I love most in this world and I don’t know if I can ever make it right. I don’t know if she’ll ever trust me with her truth again and I’m having
difficulty coping with that possibility.
I’m loyal to a fault to the ones I love. Loyalty is an attribute I seek out in the individuals I surround myself with. Without an innate sense of loyalty to your tribe I don’t think one can truly be trusted. For me, trust isn’t earned, rather given freely upon entry into my life. Sure I’m cautious about who I allow into my life, but I don’t distrust a person from the door unless I’m given reason to. It is up to each individual to grow and maintain that trust or lose it during the course of our interactions. I’m not a cynical person who chooses to think the worst of humans. I like to believe that we are all born good, so I give everyone equal footing until a slip happens and that’s when the trust level begins to fall.
The world has become such a powder keg of strife, chaos, and instability that we’re all simply looking for something and someone to believe in again. Our normal has changed over the past ten months and while we can’t believe in our elected officials, it’s those closest to us that we cling to in these uncertain times. I was one of the few she let into her world and betraying her is something I never thought I’d do, but I felt I had no choice.
There are times in life when you have to make “executive” decisions that may go against your personal code of honor. In that moment, you are charged with the task of deciphering whether or not what you’re doing is for the best good. I was thrust into that position on a random Tuesday morning and I was fraught with indecisiveness and worry. If I didn’t disclose the information that was given to me by my loved one, she could have ended up in grave danger. If I did reveal her secret, I’d lose her trust forever. How was I supposed to choose between loss and loss?
I didn’t act immediately. I’d hoped that she would change her mind, and nobody would be the wiser. I’d hoped that she would realize that the path she was choosing to take could be a life altering road to self-destruction, but I was wrong. She was hellbent on traveling down this unchartered path blind and alone. I realized that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if this decision led to her demise and I did nothing to thwart it. When I could wait no longer, I revealed her truth to the person closest to the both of us and I knew he’d intervene. You see, I couldn’t go all out and blow her up. Part of me believed that she was a grown ass woman capable of making her own life decisions and I shouldn’t interfere. The other part of me was afraid that she would vanish without a trace and I would be culpable in her disappearance. I was truly frightened that she was walking into a darkness she would never be able to get out of.
Without my knowledge or participation, all hell broke loose mere moments after I began confessing her intentions. You see, texts were being sent to her loved ones while I was explaining the bare bones of what was going on. I thought our mutual connection and I would devise a plan together, but he took her decision very seriously and promptly jumped into action. He did what I didn’t want to do … put roadblocks up in her way to prevent her from executing her plan. I mean, he pulled out the big guns and succeeded. She canceled her plans and is safe.
That was a week ago today and the person I love dearly won’t even look in my direction. She didn’t curse me out, which I think I would’ve handled better. She didn’t even confront me. She simply excommunicated me from her life, and I am broken hearted. I feel an odd combination of guilt and relief. A mixture of sadness and happiness. I accomplished possibly saving her life, but I believe that I’ve caused her more pain than I can imagine. She was attempting to follow her bliss and because of me it was cut off at the pass. How heartbreaking that must be for her.
My intention was never to expose her or cause her any pain or disappointment. I was coming from a place of genuine love and concern for her well-being. Under no other circumstance would I have ever shared her secret with anyone. I still find myself questioning whether or not I did the right thing. Not so deep inside I’m confident that I made the right move, but as a woman who believes that disloyalty is an unreconcilable offense, I am angry with myself and with her. Angry that I ever opened my mouth and stopped her motion. Angry that she was making a decision that would adversely affect those who loved her. Angry that I may have stopped her chance at true happiness; something she truly deserves. Angry that she doesn’t recognize where my heart was when I made this decision – this decision that has changed our relationship perhaps forever.
I’ve spoken to a couple of my closest friends about this situation and they believe I made the right decision, although I don’t think they realize how much it’s affecting me. Their consensus is that I just “get over it.” Well, I can’t. It’s not that easy. This is a woman that was in my life every single day bringing laughter, sisterhood and her own brand of humor and I miss her immensely. I don’t love everyone, but when I do I love hard, strong, and usually forever. I can’t just throw that bond away all willy-nilly. By then my heart is too invested and the person has been tattooed on my soul.
Over the past few days I’ve struggled to put this matter into perspective. Without perspective, the guilt will continue to eat me alive. I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, loyalty is compromised when there is malice aforethought. When the intention does not come from a place of love and is meant to degrade, expose, hurt, or otherwise damage in some way. I definitely don’t fall into that category. Yes, I must admit there was a betrayal of trust with regard to confidential information. I’m just going to have to get beat over the head for that one. In this instance it was necessary, and I’ll stand behind my decision. I acted in her best interest, so I can’t allow myself to continue feeling guilty for that. I believe that at times, we all need someone to step in when our judgement may be clouded. I believe that’s what a real friend does … look out for your best interest by any means necessary. It wasn’t easy, but that’s what I did, and I wouldn’t take it back.
I’ve apologized. The apology wasn’t acknowledged. I’m mindful that her emotions are probably running high right now, so I’ve decided to give her space. I hope that she eventually comes to understand why I chose the route I took, and we can mend our relationship.
After much thought, I’ve concluded that I would make the same decision again if I were put in this uncomfortable situation. I know I’m a good friend. I know that my heart is usually in the right place. I know that I’ll remain loyal to my tribe, even in the most precarious situations. I must also choose to do stay true to myself though. I have to do what I believe to be right and deal with the repercussions of my actions like a woman.
A true friend doesn’t back down in the face of adversity. No, a true friend stands strong, forever loyal to the code, always faithful that things will work out as they should. I do miss her, and I’ll be waiting for her return with arms wide open like a loyal friend should.