On Negativity …

“Surround yourself with only people that are going to lift you higher.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

I recently met a handsome, supportive, funny, brutally honest, and wonderfully brilliant man who showed me who I was within the first month of us meeting. We had an instant connection that I hoped would develop into something more substantial, but he seemed to become a bit cool with me. I was unsure why, until one day he just came out and told me. He was purposely keeping me at arms-length because he found me too negative. You see, he didn’t surround himself with negative energy for fear that it would somehow rub off on him. Really? Me, negative? I knew I was many things, but I didn’t think that negative was one of them.

I didn’t ask him for details on why he thought I was negative. Instead I immediately called one of my best friends and asked her, “Michele, am I negative?” She was silent … not a good sign. She seemed to be confused before asking me who had said that. When I told her she let out a nervous laugh and commenced to explain to me how she’s been trying to express how negative I’d become for some time now. She was floored that I thought I was anything other than negative; that I hadn’t been listening to her all along. Wow! How could I not have known? I had to dig deep within and reevaluate all that I thought was true about myself.
I’d just published my first book chock full of positivity and inspiration and thought I was practicing what I preached. Sure, I complained, worried, and had negative things to say almost daily, but I didn’t think that made me a negative person. I know negative people and didn’t want to be one of them. They are not a joy and they suck the life right out of me. Had I really become one of them?

2020, the year of intensified racial unrest, COVID-19, rampant police brutality against Black and Brown people, voter suppression, climate change issues, months of quarantine and a President who refused to accept defeat ended up not being such a bad year for me. I know, I know … how could I blossom in this socially and racially charged, restrictive climate? How did I manage to be super productive instead of going absolutely insane? I’m not sure. All I can say is that a little quarantine bodes well for me!

I used this trying time to refocus my efforts on something that would matter instead of just singing the poor me song. I managed to publish my first book, Rhythm…Uplifting Quotes from the African American Perspective. It’s a book of inspirational quotes all from African American men and women. Why? Because Alice Walker said, “If there is a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, you must be the one to write it.” This quote really spoke to me because I am a collector of quotes and for the longest time, I wanted to read inspirational quotes from people who looked like me, but I couldn’t find them on bookshelves anywhere. I then got the idea to compile the stockpile of quotes I’d collected over the years into an inspirational collection for all.

The book was overwhelmingly positive. Writing it over several months made me come alive in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. I thought that energy had benefited me in numerous ways including helping to quell my high anxiety and changing my “can’t do” attitude. I thought I had evolved, when in fact I had devolved. It took only moments of self-reflection to realize that this stranger had pegged me from the door, and I was, in fact, not a joy to be around. I’d adopted an ungrateful heart, a negative outlook, and a self-loathing demeanor. He picked up on that energy and awoke a part of me that I didn’t even realize was lying dormant.

I’ve since begun the transformative task of paying attention to the words that I use, the thoughts that are in my head and the type of energy I expel into the universe and upon others. I choose not to complain as much or look at things from a pessimistic standpoint. I choose to find the good in all situations before I point out the bad. I choose to stop walking in fear and holding myself back from the life I was meant to live. I choose to be better than I was yesterday and the day before that. I’m now careful to choose positivity as my source of light.
I thought that simply writing this book made me a positive person. I was wrong. I may have been talking the talk, but I wasn’t living in that truth. I allowed myself to get bogged down with the difficulties I faced in my life and instead of living life I had allowed life to live me and turn me into someone I didn’t recognize or want to be.
This stranger has become my friend and he has opened my world up to possibilities I knew existed but stopped believing I could achieve. In all honesty, I didn’t fully realize that I was on the wrong track until he spoke this and other truths to me. He enlightened me in many ways and uncovered the piece of me that somehow got lost in the fray between dreams lost and found. Fortunately, I was able to hear him in a way I wasn’t able to comprehend from those close to me and I began to morph the me I didn’t realize I was presenting to the world into the me that I’d always been.

The process of writing Rhythm and the aftermath made it clear to me that God sends you who and what you need when you need them, and not a moment before. I needed an awakening of sorts in order to live up to my potential both personally and professionally. If I could make my dream come true during a pandemic, imagine what I can do under optimal circumstances. If I could be moved to the point of change by the words of a stranger imagine who I’ll become as I continue to grow and learn about myself through the spirit of positivity. My journey’s far from over, but it is truly just the beginning of the me that I’ve always wanted to be. Goodbye Ms. Negativity … hello abundant joy!