On Being Clinically Depressed …

“If you are unhappy with anything – whatever is bringing you down – get rid of it. Because you will find that when you are free,      your true creativity; your true self comes out.”

~ Tina Turner

I sit here in my recliner, locked in my bedroom after working eight and a half hours at a hotel that’s seen better days. I’ve turned my phone off. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to hear the phone ring or beep or shake me out of my sleep. I don’t want to read email. I don’t want to check my social media. I don’t want to make the calls that I need to make this morning. I’m not going to my doctor’s appointment. I just want to be left alone. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve been in this place. I’ve been fighting it for a while, but here it is sitting in my lap. Depression. The “D” word.

I am on the precipice of darkness. A deep sadness that I cannot escape. An anti-social state of disconnection with all humans. An unhappiness I can’t explain. A dissatisfaction with everyone and everything. A strong dislike for myself. A hatred for my life as it is.

I’ve been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I have a strong relationship with a psychiatrist that I’ve been seeing for about six years. I’m taking medication for my depression. I realized some time ago that whether I like it or not, I do need it. Two pills and an anti-anxiety medication everyday probably for the rest of my life. Oh joy.

Clinical depression, or Major Depression, is a serious medical illness that changes your personality as you know it. It swoops in silently, changing the way you interact with your surroundings, the people around you, and yourself. There’s no single cause for this mental health disorder, but biological, psychological, and social sources all take part in its make-up. These sources can combine to trigger depression, and there are many other triggers, known and unknown.

This persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest can lead to a range of behavioral and physical symptoms, which may include changes in sleep, appetite, concentration, self-esteem, energy level or daily behavior. It negatively affects how you feel, think and act and can last for weeks, months or years. It’s pretty common, but frequently unrecognized or goes untreated. It causes a serious impairment of your daily life and I am in the throes of it – bigtime – as I write.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve managed to hold many of my depressive episodes at bay by instituting one of the rules my Ma put in place for me years ago. She was one of the few that understood my “mood swings.” That’s what everyone called it. I was deemed moody or super emotional or mean or a loner because of my erratic behavioral changes as a young person. This was long before my diagnosis. I believe my Ma saw in me what she’d been experiencing herself and held me close because of the similarities. She told me that I only had twenty-four hours to feel whatever I was feeling, no matter how dire it felt to me. After that, I had to pick myself up off the floor and start to live again. She didn’t give me a choice. I’ve implemented her “treatment plan” ever since and I have to be honest, for the most part it has worked. I manage to process my sometimes-erratic emotion in those twenty-four hours in whatever way gets me through and I begin again with a fresher outlook on the other side. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times. This is out of my control.

You see, I’ve been holding this episode at bay for months now with the tools my Ma gave me, the tools my psychiatrist taught me, and the sheer will not to fall down that rabbit hole. I’ve been implementing the twenty-four hours rule and psyching myself out of being in the state I’m in now by being positive, grateful, and choosing to do things a different way. Well, guess what? All that positive speak to myself has failed and I find myself clawing not to fall so deep that life ceases to exist as I know it. Before I start calling out of work, missing more doctors’ appointments, crying while watching Dr. Phil, surviving on coffee, not food, and pushing everyone that cares for me out of my life, I’ve got to get a grip. I feel like I know many of my triggers and I can feel the change in my mood enough to halt the darkness from taking control of my life.

I’ve sat in the midst of this downswing for two days now. Today, I awakened from a soul sucking, days long sleep with the mindset to figure out what’s gotten me down and to take the steps necessary to change it so that I can thwart total darkness. The truth is, I have too much going on to try to live without light. Too much that I’m trying to accomplish. So many goals I’m trying to achieve that I can’t allow myself to succumb to the negativity I’m experiencing. I’m on the precipice of living, in full color, my dreams. I have to allow myself the clarity of mind to continue to manifest all the good that I deserve to come into my life. This space of negativity that I’m dwelling in is only holding me back from greatness.

So, let’s get down to it. What are the triggers I’m experiencing right now? What’s affecting my current state of mind? Finances, finances, finances. I’m financially challenged at this time and financial instability makes me insane. Not being able to handle my obligations makes me feel like a failure. I went from making a six-figure income and living a six-figure life to working overnight at a hotel for an hourly wage. I chose to walk away from a career I spent twenty-eight years cultivating because I could no longer work in such a volatile and hostile environment. I was no longer happy, I was turning into an angry person I did not know, and I was doing things on a daily basis that I didn’t believe in and I didn’t like. After my mother passed, I no longer felt that I had to remain in a place that was draining me and on one random Wednesday I bounced and never looked back. I had no plan, no job, no severance, and I didn’t care. I just needed to be free. Well, freedom has its cost.

While I fought for six months to receive an adequate severance package, I did not work and lived off my savings and with help from family and friends. I truly didn’t know what I wanted to do. Of course, following my dream to pursue a writing career was always on my mind, but I wasn’t serious enough to go down that road. Instead, I decided to Nanny my brother’s newborn twins. No, I didn’t charge him. It was my honor to do so, and it’s bonded me to those children for life. No regrets there.

After a breast cancer diagnosis, subsequent treatment, winning my severance battle and nearly two years of flying from the seat of my pants, I decided that I would get a job overnight and begin to walk down the path that to my dream. I would write a book and start saving to open my bed and breakfast. That’s where the hotel comes in. The pay isn’t great, but it affords me the opportunity to have free days, while also working on my craft at night. I also got a part-time job to supplement my income. I’m not going to say it’s been an easy road, but it’s the one I chose, so I’ve been trying to make the best of it, and it’s been a challenge.

What else is bothering me? Loneliness. Unrequited love. Feeling empty. Feeling worthless. Feeling like a loser. Feeling broken. Feeling alone. I just feel like I’m not living up to my potential and am not where I want to be at this age. I’m afraid that I’m failing myself and those around me. I feel helpless. Hopeless. Lost.

Once fully awake, I showered and went to see the twins. They are truly my only joyful place in this world now that my Ma is gone. I didn’t turn my phone back on until hours later. I had many texts and messages. People were worried about me. That annoyed me, but it shouldn’t have. I didn’t have the energy to text anyone back. I just wanted to be off the grid. I set my alarm for ten o’clock and tried to sleep, but my phone was going crazy and that was driving me crazy. I answered the phone when my sister called. I returned texts. I listened to messages. I finally fell asleep. Sleep was my consistent savior.

Although depression is marked by a chemical imbalance in the brain, I’m determined to fight the veil of darkness that is surrounding me. I’ve decided not to succumb to the negative minutia that is swirling around my deeply troubled head. I’m putting things into perspective, putting one foot in front of the other and making a conscious effort to find the light. I believe that when you accept and understand what it is you’re experiencing, you strengthen the ability to make the choices that pull you out of that hole. I believe that the power lies deep within us to turn around the pain caused by depression if only we dare to believe in our own power to control our destiny.

I’m not okay today, but I’m a little better; and as long as each day I get a little better, eventually I will be okay. I’ve come out of my cocoon and I’m cognizant of my unstable mental state. I’m aware that I may have to institute the twenty-four hours rule many times over the next few weeks until I battle my way out of the despair I’m feeling. It’s all up to me to stay as clear minded as possible and challenge myself to think positively and begin to love myself despite of what I’m feeling. I need to stop being so hard on myself and eat the elephant one bite at a time. Slowly I will return to a healthy mental state if I stay the course and believe in myself. I have to save my own life and walk towards the light. That’s my only way to beat this. Wish me luck.

Depression Hotlines:

National Hopeline Network:                                        1-800-SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:                         1-800-273-TALK

National Youth Crisis Hotline:                                      1-800-448-4663