On Finding Love …

“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.”

~ Zora Neale Hurston

At what age do you give up on love? I’m not talking about settling for strong like; I’m talking about soul crushing, mind blowing love. The kind of love that makes you feel alive and makes you believe you can do anything. Love seems to make everything brighter and more vibrant; it changes your energy and raises your vibration. I know it makes me feel alive in a way that lights up my soul.

I haven’t been in love in a long time. For a while, I felt comfortable being without love in my life. I managed to light my own soul on fire. I enjoyed the time I had to myself to reconnect with who I am and what I wanted. Not being attached to someone gave me a sense of freedom and a greater sense of purpose. I felt stronger and more comfortable in my own skin. I wrote more, spent more time with friends, spoiled my nieces and nephews more. It took a couple of years before the absence of love started wreaking havoc on my mental. I started wondering if I was unlovable, too independent, too choosy, even unattractive. Yes, my mind was playing tricks on me.

When it comes to love, I’m a black or white type of gal. I’m either all in or I’m all out. There’s no grace period. No getting to know him better. No, well he’s alright, let me see where this takes me. Nope. My attraction is immediate. My pheromones perk right up, and the initial attraction is great. I call it a ‘chemical attraction.’ Without that chemical attraction, I just don’t stay interested long enough to form a meaningful bond. I need to look at him and feel my heart start to palpitate. I need to hear his voice and smile instantaneously. I need to feel a sense of longing when he comes or when he goes. Unfortunately, this phenomenon doesn’t happen frequently, and I probably miss out on a lot of good guys, but I don’t care. I’m attracted to what I’m attracted to and without a deep level of physical attraction, forget being in it for the long haul. I can’t even force myself to be in it momentarily. I can’t fake the funk. I don’t know if this is a positive or a negative, but it has always been a part of who I am.

I don’t date much because of this. I’ve been fortunate enough to fall in love with men I had a chemical attraction to, and I remained in those relationships for many years. I’ve been unfortunate in the sense that I’ve given twelve, six and nine years respectively to three different men and didn’t marry any of them. I loved each deeply and differently. I thought I wanted to marry each of them, but the relationships ended for a variety of reasons. Happily, I’ve been able to remain friends with all three men until this day and we’ve been able to talk about the flaws in our relationship, which has given me better insight into myself.

I’m now what is considered to be “middle aged” and I’m ready for love but am having a difficult time finding the right fit for me. I’ve done the online dating thing. I’ve been set up by friends. I’ve been hit on and I’ve done the hitting on, all to no avail. I’m in a precarious situation because time is of the essence and I don’t have too much time to waste, yet I’d like to formulate a loving lifetime union. I would like a man my age, but many of the men my age look and act much older and that is a turn off for me. I have a youthful spirit and I desire that in a man. I’ve dated younger men and have had some luck, but many of them either weren’t mentally ready, didn’t want to settle down or wanted to have children and that’s above my pay range. So, I’m wondering, has love eluded me?

My family jokingly calls my younger sister and me spinsters. Yes, they think it’s a hoot, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s going to be my fate. I don’t want to believe that to be true, but things are looking bleak on the dating front and I’m not getting any younger. I’m growing more accustomed to being alone and I’ve come to terms with my normal, but I’m not happy about it. I do get lonely. I long to have my back touched. I’d like to light my fireplace and watch a movie with someone other than a family member. I’d like to wake up in the middle of the night and have someone to snuggle next to. I’d like to cook dinner for someone. I’d like to be a part of a team for once. I vaguely remember what that feels like and I’d like to experience that again in this lifetime. I know that patience is key, and I can’t lose hope. I know that I’m worthy of love and being loved. I know that I am a good woman, but sometimes I feel like being a good woman isn’t enough and I’m fighting a losing battle.

I refuse to allow the emptiness I feel at times to fester and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I refuse to give up on love at any age. I’m a valuable commodity and I believe that I remain alone in the world to continue becoming a better version of myself. Timing is truly everything and when it is my time, the universe will reward me with the man I was born to love. I learn more and more each day how patience is a virtue and I put in the work to harness that patience so that I don’t allow being alone to morph into loneliness and depression.  I always remember that I am destined for great things and that includes a fulfilling partnership with a man who loves me and who I love.

So, I believe I answered my own question. It’s not the age that you find love that matters. What matters is that you’re true to yourself, you never settle, and you recognize love when it dawns on your door. It’s also important to always love yourself first and foremost. Without self-love you’ll never be able to fully give or receive love. As RuPaul says, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

I am a woman worthy of a lasting love and I’m not ever going to give up on its coming. In the meantime, I’m going to continue learning, growing, and becoming the type of person I’d like to be with. I know I’ll be ready when the time comes. Until then, I’ll love me and that will certainly be a lifelong romance!